Hey you guys!
I realize that I left you standing all alone on that cliff hanger with my last post (not the video one by the way…this one here). How very uncool of me. Rest assured, I’m alive and doing well. Lots has happened since we last spoke so let me start at the beginning.
After my last post I had a bit of an epiphany. I don’t know how else to describe it. I woke up in the middle of the night and had a moment of absolute stillness and clarity where I just thought ”this isn’t right” I felt in that moment that I wasn’t supposed to be sleeping in this bed. I wasn’t supposed to be in this home anymore. I wasn’t supposed to be in this city. I wasn’t even supposed to be on this continent. Something was wrong. The day before I had returned to work after two months of being on sick leave.
Going back to work was incredibly special. The love that I felt walking back into my office was overwhelming. I got the warmest, tightest, most authentic hugs in the world. People were genuinely, unashamedly happy that I was alive.
I was Jesus.
Riding into town on my donkey, with all my work friends throwing rose petals and palm leaves at me.
That was the first day.
The second day I thought ”I can’t work here anymore” It had nothing to do with Lumbergh taking my stapler and not bringing it back…I simply felt this strong force within me that said ”this isn’t right, Sina”
It wasn’t logical. It was just an instinct. A feeling deep inside my soul. I felt that there had been a shift and I was no longer the same person. I had changed direction. I simply wasn’t going that way anymore.
I knew what I had to do. I had to leave my job. I had to leave my home. I had to shed my skin. I had to go.
As soon as the decision was made a huge ball of energy lifted up above me and surged into the sky!
I felt so free. I had a plan. It was extreme and radical and frightening but I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was right.
I quit my job on the Friday and on the Saturday I jumped on a plane to the Eastern Cape of South Africa.
Turns out that this was exactly where the universe wanted to put me. Everything fell into place. I met so many amazing travelers who opened up their hearts and welcomed me into their unshaven, hippy, gluten-intolerant arms. I felt connected to the human race for the first time. I felt that the people I met were no different to me. We were all just trying to find our way in life. The people I spoke to were so open. They were interested and they cared. I realised that everyone is as lost as I am. And I found peace in that.
When I returned to Cape Town I was on a mission. I gave myself a deadline. One month. I had one month to rent out my home. Sell all my things. Find a place to stay for Marlowe and go. Since returning home, I felt more and more like the universe was telling me I had to shed my skin. I had this massively strong urge to cut my hair short.
Which I did.
Even though short hair is not really my vibe I embraced it. I thought, there must be a reason why the universe is telling me to cut my hair. After the hair cut, I felt a huge relief. This is great! What else can I get rid of?
So yep, I decided to sell ALL my things.
All my furniture.
All my clothes (!!!!!)
All my books (I know, I know…that was hard)
Everything that didn’t bring me immense joy had to go.
My whole life now fits into a suitcase. I’m going to do a separate post about my new love affair with Minimalism but man I can’t tell you how liberating it is to be free of all this stuff. There is a lightness to my being now. And it’s fucking amazing.
Next on my list was to find a tenant to rent my home and an agent to do all the work. Boom! I found those too. The people renting my home are proper ADULTS! They have jobs and spreadsheets and everything. I don’t think I ever felt more like a child than I did showing them round the house.
I felt like this was actually THEIR home. It’s like they were the real owners and I was the girl scout selling cookies and they just invited me in for some lemonade cos it’s hot outside.
I just knew then and there that they were supposed to be living in my home. Ahhhh it was all coming together so perfectly.
Last on my list and what I was dreading the most was finding a solution for Marlowe. Since January, Marlowe and I had become incredibly close. She is my baby and I’m her mama. How would I be able to leave my black baby? Leaving behind Marlowe was by far the hardest thing. It felt like my heart was a chew toy. I was so heartbroken at the thought of having to leave her behind.
How would I explain to her what was happening? She doesn’t understand. I wished I could tell her that I would always come back for her. That I would see her again. That we would Skype everyday. I just wished for five minutes she could be a human so I could apologise to her. I hated the idea of her thinking I was abandoning her. I could write a whole book on how much I love her and how amazing she is but I think every owner thinks that about their dog.
And now…now, it’s late. As I’m writing this it’s 2 am and outside the world is dark and still. I’m in London now. I’m planning to be here until Spring when the weather gets warmer and I can finally do my Big American Road Trip. When I had my moment of clarity back in Cape Town, I had this strong urge to just drive. I just wanted to jump in a car and fucking drive. That sensation became stronger and eventually I realised what I really wanted was to drive through the United States. So that’s my goal. That’s all I know for now. I have no idea what comes after. I don’t plan anymore. This whole situation has taught me that life is unpredictable and all that matters is right now.
For now, every single decision I make in my life is rooted in whether or not it will bring me closer to my Big American Road Trip. Every. Single. Decision. I have no goals anymore except to save money and drive through America.
This has been a strange year. It’s been 9 months and 22 days since my attempted self-murder. It’s been 11 months since the wedding was called off. And all around me life continues. I continue.
I’m not the same person. I’d like to think I’m more in touch with myself now. And my capacity for bullshit is basically none-existent now. My instincts have become razor sharp. I trust myself again. I’m stronger now. I feel invincible.
Those are all the good things. Now for the bad. Ahem. Well this is slightly embarrassing…. It turns out that being jilted (not at the altar exactly, but close enough) has altered me…
Cancelling my wedding. Returning the wedding dress and having to tell my friends and family the wedding was off…well that was pretty shit. So understandably I’ve now become a ttttiiiiiinnnnyyyyyy bit angry and slightly bitter.
When I said a tiny bit I actually meant to say A WHOLE FUCKING LOT.
You see, I have friends. Friends whom I love…they get engaged…they get pregnant..they plan weddings and I…cannot…be..happy..for..them..
Because it’s fucking unfair.
Why them? Why not me? Why not me!? Why? All I wanted my whole life was to be normal. To do what normal people do! I just wanted a tiny little slice of the fucking normal happiness pie! And these people are just fucking hogging the whole damn thing!
Me: Starving African baby desperate for love
Them: Loved up bastards who have everything!
I don’t come from a Shutterstock family. I don’t come from a place where we have family gatherings…we don’t have normal occasions for joy. My parents separated when I was 10. We don’t have normal family events. I don’t have grandmas and uncles and cousins that come over to our house. We don’t have that. We don’t have Graduations, or Christenings or Christmas or Weddings. We don’t have that!!! We don’t have that shit!!! There are such few occasions to celebrate happiness in life. Life just passes by. We never get a chance to celebrate anything. I love my family but we are all individuals. There is no family unit. Not in the traditional sense. I just wanted a fucking chance to milk the happiness tree. I wanted to fucking take life by the balls and BE HAPPY!
It’s so fucking unfair. I just wanted to be fucking normal for two seconds. Just two fucking seconds! I wanted to just do what fucking normal people do! I just wanted to have a happy occasion! A happy fucking moment. And what fucking infuriates me the most about these people getting engaged and getting married…THEY ALREADY ARE NORMAL!!!! they already have normal families!!!! they already have perfect fucking families!!!
I just wanted to believe that I could be happy. That I could be normal. I just wanted to be like everyone else.
This isn’t me. I’m not jealous. I’m not bitter. This bitterness feels overpowering. This shit is gonna swallow me up. I’m really fucking angry. REALLY angry. Like you know those crazy people who get all angry on Black Friday Sales? Like that’s MY PLASMA!!! THATS MYYYY MICROWAVE! They go mental and you think who are these people…that’s me! That’s what I’ve become.
I’m that person now! I’m running around the mall like a crazy fanatic, stealing everyone’s happiness so that NO ONE CAN BE HAPPY! I’m fucking supermarket-sweeping this motherfucker and stealing everyone’s happily-ever-afters because fuck you! Fuck you! If I can’t be happy then nobody can!
Of course, we all know that anger isn’t a sustainable emotion. It’s quite consuming. And tiring. I’m a bit bored of being so angry. And I think bitterness is only slightly more attractive than hemorrhoids. So I will try with all my being to look at the world with gratitude and love. I will be thankful that I’m alive. That I’m healthy. That I’m loved. I will be eternally grateful to you. You amazing people who have followed my journey and kept me going with your love and support.
It feels incredibly special to have found a group of people AN ARMY OF PEOPLE who are just like me.
Thank you 🙂