Well thank heavens because I may have told you a massive porky pie the other day.
Remember when I said I would post a story about how I hate my body?
Well you may have noticed that this did not happen.
What can I say…have I been busy? lazy? Maybe I’m on some new medication again and getting rather sick and tired of being sick and tired? Maybe I’ve been feeling so guilty for letting you all down that I’ve gone into hiding? Maybe I hate myself too much?
Maybe you’d like a list of things I did instead of working on my blog?
Yes, yes you’d like that, wouldn’t you…
- Paint my bedroom
2. Paint the hallway.
3. Paint little chair.
4. Wash paint out of my hair (x2)
5. Re-read bad reviews of the movie Drive to comfort myself in the knowledge that I’m not the only one who hates Ryan Gosling. It makes me feel like the world is at peace again. Like we’re all gonna be ok. I often think to myself I can’t believe Ryan Gosling is getting away with this. Seeing other people hate him, makes me feel safe, happy and complete.
6. Make stupid videos of myself (realise how unattractive I look. Remind myself never to show my face in public again)
7. Re-arrange the glasses in the kitchen.
8. Research new coffee table. (I can’t decide….)
9. Find new art for above my writing desk. Tell myself, as soon as I have the perfect art for above my writing my desk, I will proceed to write the most amazing stuff. Till then, I shall not even bother. Everyone knows you cannot write until the perfect desk art has been sourced.
10. Feel ridiculous amounts of guilt over not working on my blog.
11. Make a list of horrible things my brain says to me on a daily basis.
12. Ponder what has caused this ridiculous rise in self-hatred.
13. Wonder if it’s because of the new anti-depressants I’m on (Lorien, by the way).
14. Google side-effects of new medication.
15. Make a list of all the anti-depressants I’ve ever been on.
16. Have an idea about writing a funny and honest review of all the anti-depressants ever I’ve been prescribed, titled ‘A Beginners Guide to Anti-Depressants’
17. Worry about getting sued by pharmaceutical company.
18. Think of contacting pharmaceutical companies for sponsorship and endorsement deals.
19. Work a little bit of on the My Body story.
20. Realise it’s not perfect.
21. Realise I’m not perfect.
22. Remind myself that even though this story is about me, it’s actually NOT about me. It’s about every single person, man, woman and child who has ever hated their body. It’s about the crazy standards of beauty that we all have. It’s about me learning to love and accept my body the way it is. It’s about being brave. It’s about standing proud and tall and saying: This is my body.
I want my body to be visually appealing to the world. I want it to be aesthetically pleasing. I want to be perfect. But in wanting all that, I have totally forgotten about the miracle that is the human body. I’ve disregarded billions of years of evolution. I’ve dismissed the insane amount of time it has taken my body to reach this point. The years of perfecting, crafting, improving each body part to make it work as sucessfully as it does.
It’s reminding myself that my body is not for visual stimulation. It technically doesn’t matter what my body looks like. All that matters is that it works. That I’m alive. That my heart is pumping and that I’m healthy. Nothing else matter.
So, I’m sorry friends. I’m scared. I’m scared to post this story about my body. I’m scared because I’ve drawn all the body parts that I hate and I’m afraid of how you will see me. I’m simply afraid of your judgement. I’m not a brave person. I’m timid and small and and I like being in the background. So, please bear with me. The story WILL get written and published. But it might not be just yet. Don’t worry, there will a new and funny story on the blog soon. I pinky swear.
dammitdarling.com 
Did it occur to you that not posting this story about your body might be because something inside you resists bravely to being excessively and unfairly shamed? Not being able to do something despite wanting and trying to can be an unconscious sign of self-defence, of self-preservation against an attack disguised as creative rationalisation. It happened to me many times to confuse catharsis with purgation (ouch, painful…). Maybe you have to change the angle of the post? Anyway, I would trust that voice of resistance. The message might be that it’s time to change your focus now and throw away the old sh..?
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I think I couldn’t finish the story because I was feeling so small and vulnerable…I feel a bit stronger now so I’m definitely going to revisit it today. You’re right about the angle. I want to make it more positive and less ‘I hate this and I hate that’ Thanks so much Jo for your advice 🙂 xxxxx
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Ryan Gosling is the devil. I find him to be uninteresting. I’ve tried sitting through The Notebook and swore I’d never watch another movie with him in it again. As far as your feelings about your body – write how you feel it. I find it more cathartic when I vent about my personal foibles. I hope to read more of you soon. Love your comics!
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Thank you for saying that about Ryan Gosling. It genuinely makes me feel better when I hear that others can’t stand him too. I was forced to watch The Notebook a few months ago which is when I discovered my disdain for him. And then recently I watched Drive which is probably the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I also dislike Kevin Bacon 🙂 What do you think about him? Thank you for your kind words and I love the word ‘foibles’ xxxx
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I don’t care for Bacon, either. It’s the only bacon I don’t like. 🙂 I’m a fan of Depp, especially when he works with Tim Burton.
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