Time to give the ol’ Depression a bit of a rest now. As part of my recovery I’m trying to spend lots of time in nature. So, last week I spent a glorious day at Kirstenbosch National Botanical Garden in Cape Town.

Kirstenbosch is beautiful. God definitely created Kirstenbosch at the beginning of the week when he still had loads of energy. It’s probably one of my favourite places on this earth. It also happens to be a massive tourist magnet. A lot of them are German. Germans do holidaying differently to other people. So, I decided to compile a guide on how to be a German tourist in Kirstenbosch.

How to be a German tourist in Kirstenbosch.

1. Wear as many layers as possible. I don’t care how hot you think you’re gonna get, the more clothes you wear the more German you will appear. Bonus points will be granted if your trousers have more than 4 pockets.

2. When you do get hot, wrap your parka around your waist. Not around your hips. That would be too cool and hip. Wrap it around your waist. The higher the better.

3. A hat is very important and will protect you from that cancerous little slag, the sun. Ideally you want to get one of those fishing hats that cricket players wear. So sexy.

4. Socks & Sandals are Germany’s unofficial uniform. Recognise fellow German tourists by donning your uniform with pride.

5. Wear a rucksack that clings really tightly to your back. If you can balance a small child on the top, bonus points will be granted. Double bonus points will be rewarded if a fanny pack is also worn. Triple points granted if you pronounce it ‘fenny peck’.

6. Take photos of everything. I mean everything. Every four steps you need to be taking a photo of something. Just not of each other. Just the flowers and plants and shit.

7. Look miserable – Don’t you dare smile. Smiling is very ungermanic. The grumpier you look the better. If you smile, you might be mistaken for an American tourist and nobody wants that.